So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
