I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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