I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
