i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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