I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
