i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
