You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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