May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
