I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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