when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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