come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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