dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
