no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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