so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
