just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
