and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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