sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I did not marry a roomba.
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