I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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