The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
