wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
