I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
