My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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