i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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