just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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