she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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