Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
