I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
