i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
