Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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