I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
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Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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