dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
