just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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