You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
