The maid of honor just puked.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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