Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
