I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
