just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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