Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize