Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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