I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
