I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
