I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
