Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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