it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
