you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
