Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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