You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
