The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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