That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
