Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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