Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
