I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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