Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Is her dick bigger than yours?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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